The Dance of Time

 

 

In another time and another world I stood.  Clutching a small bundle in my arms looking across the valley and mountains, I thought where do I belong?  Why was I placed into this alien world alone?   Never in the span of the nineteen years of my life had I felt at home, now faced with a future alone I cried to Creator,  "show me where! show me where!".

I looked down at this stranger that was now mine to take care of, I wondered how will to care for her she,  so small and helpless.   My husband for but a short time had returned  to Creator .   This tiny life that had been taken from my body only two short months before, slept in perfect trust, in my arms.    I was in fear the first time I saw her so small and red,  wrinkled and new.  Surly I thought this is not my child, she is not round and pink and glowing.  During the seven months of waiting I imagined her to  like the babies that stared back at me from the pages of the magazines in the clinic.   I was not prepared for all of this, nothing prepared me for sleepless nights, rocking a crying baby until I almost fell asleep in the chair myself.   Nothing prepared me for my dear sweet husband's death, at the age of twenty seven, in my arms.   I felt numb all over and wondered if I could ever feel again.  I went through the motions of living and taking care of this little baby, her breathing always a constant struggle.  My heart was frozen and would not beat.  No tears fell and it all seemed like dream and I would soon wake up. 

No one spoke to me about it the big IT!!!!! every one avoided the IT like IT never happened.   Boxes of clothes what to do with my husbands clothes.  Everyone telling me what to do every day, I did not care,  "just take them",  I said.  Oh how I wish I had kept one thing of his to hold at night and still smell his scent, I miss him so much.    The nights were the hardest, alone curled into a ball in the bed trying to remember his face as he faded away.  The hurting so deep I cannot find the beginning of it all.  

 

I stand on this mountain and wonder where this will all end. .  Creator take me and blow me across the Earth use me as you will,  I have no purpose in this life.   Time passes like watching day and night blend one into the other, days flash by and  become seconds.

 
Time passes and so does all the remembering, faces, things, words,  all float out the door, drifting  around the fire in the lodge, Spirits dancing from time's before my life,  dancing from long ago,  before my being here on this earth.

 I am alone, with my baby who continues to struggle and grow,   time passes.

Another time and another life to start.  I am far way from my home and people why am I being taken to this place Creator?  . I have agreed to marry a man I hardly know and go to his home in the East.  We pack in the freezing winter, everything I own in the back of a truck. This is one more move in my life of many, the miles roll away and a new life begins. This journey will be one of thirty one years,  thirty one years of work and being left with no one to talk to no one to listen. . The children fill my life and my heart now with their needs.  The constant work to just provide the basics is ever on going, my days and nights filled with laundry, rows of diapers hung to dry.  .  The children  demand my time and my love, which I give to them with all my need to fill this loneliness. The ever lasting loop of give and take continues,  life goes on.

How I miss my people and my elders who are so far away. Little did I know that this would be part of the journey when I came here to the East to live with this man who is now a stranger to me.

Children, life all the dancers in the arena.  Dancing, dancing must keep up,  must not stop,  can not let the ghosts dancers come into the circle.  I dance for my life many times and for my children's lives.  The loss of a child leaves a empty hole,  that is always in  my heart he stands with the ghosts waiting on the side under the arbor.  The loss of my Mother, Father, many uncles and aunts in one year, s is a hurt that grows like a hot coal in my heart.

That was all a life time ago,  standing alone once again I say to Creator," thank you for the walk, thank you for the dance",  I will  send gratitude to all for the life you have given me to live.

Again I enter the circle and dance, I am older and my beaded dress  feels good as the fringe floats in the swaying step of the dance.  I can once again feel the sun on my back,  the Earth is soft, and warm under my  moccasins.

No need to rush, there is nothing to rush for, that time is gone forever.  The material things stripped away by the greed and deceit of others. "Take all the time you need" whisper the ghosts standing in the shadows, " we will wait,  for at the end of this dance is the path that will lead you to Creator."

This is the last dance,  and I am going to enjoy the heart beat of my Mother the Earth, here are the good true friends  who come to dance on this our Mother Earth  with me. Children of all colors like flowers, dance hand in hand.  Wachipi we  all dance our worldly  differences forgotten.  The drum picks up,  the singers voices drift out into the arena.  As in my vision I see from a great distance the dancers around the center of the blue corn flower.  Before me is the path,  all there is left to do is dance my way home.

 

Mitakuye Oyasin Waynonaha

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